from the desk of: dan walpole
rE: taco lettuce
time of day: 10:09:08PM, 06.10.2000

adam's essay ladies and gentlemen...

Lettuce is a necessary element of tacos, but must be used properly for the
right effect. Contrary to the beliefs of some, it should NOT be the first
topping to touch the meat. The cheese is the most important topping to come
in direct contact with the meat, as the meat must be heated such that it is
sufficiently cooked through and its relatively high temperature will lend
itself well to the cheese melting process. (You may be familiar with the
hidden verse to the Phish song "Contact," which goes, "the cheese is the
part of your taco that makes contact with the meat".)
The lettuce used in a taco must be of the iceberg variety. That is by far
the best lettuce and it is more crisp and refreshing than a can of Sprite,
regardless of what the bastards at Coca-Cola may try to tell you. This
iceberg lettuce must be at its peak freshness. Crispness is crucial to the
texture of the taco. Furthermore, the lettuce must be shredded in a manner
such that small, thin pieces are used to top the taco. Large pieces of
lettuce will get in the way of all the other flavor sensations and textures
that make a taco what it is and may cause the taco eating experience to be
negative.


Do not get the wrong impression. Lettuce is not, and should not be the
chief ingredient in a taco. It should be used sparingly, like positive
adjectives such as "stellar," so that it maintains is maximum enjoyability
before causing the taco eater to think, "[Excrement!] All I can taste is
lettuce! I never want to eat another taco in my life!" There should be
less lettuce than meat; there should be a fairly equal lettuce:taco sauce
ratio. Other ingredients, such as onions (chopped), black olives (sliced)
and tomato (diced) are recommended to compliment the taste of the other
ingredients -- especially the lettuce.
good one adam
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